Advice on Raising Boys Aplenty at Book Talk

How does one raise boys in today's world? A crowd of over 250 from Chatham and neighboring communities gathered in the Southern Boulevard School gym on Wednesday morning to find out.

Michael Thompson, a father and psychologist who has written several books, took the time to discuss the book he co-authored, called "Raising Cain," at the school on Wednesday. The event was sponsored by the Southern Boulevard School Parent Teacher Organization and the Municipal Alliance Committee of the Chathams.

Essentially, the book is a guide to help parents and teachers understand and gain perspective on how they can make a better effort to understand boys. Thompson's sense of humor kept the audience attentive, and the relaxed, informal atmosphere resembled a coffee talk more than anything.

"It was the number of questions parents asked me about boys that made me think, well, I guess boys are the mystery. I was trained as a Freudian therapist—I thought that women were the mystery," he said, as the crowd gave a hearty laugh.

Thompson addressed the topic of ADD and ADHD diagnosis, saying he believes there are some boys that are born with brain differences that make them extraordinarily hyperactive, distractible and impulsive. These boys, he said, are appropriately diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.

"If a boy is so hyperactive that he can hardly stand anything about school routines, early diagnosis and treatment may be a help to him," Thompson said.

He feels that boys don't have enough recess time, and are being asked to do too much pencil-and-paper work in kindergarten.

"Kindergarten is the new first grade," he said. "We're demanding so much more academically of young boys it overwhelms and angers them. This is the school's problem and teacher's problem."

Thompson emphasizes that both boys and girls have the same need for love, guidance, teaching nurturing, and boundaries. Interestingly enough, Michael points out that when two girls are compared to each other, "there is a greater difference between them than there would be comparing a girl to a boy." The same goes for boys.

"The teacher who makes the girls the standard for the class will find the boys disappointing all of the time," Thompson said.

He went on, saying "boy play is more active and physical, and girls engage in more verbal and fantasy based [manners], which makes them more ready for a language rich environment. The elementary school classroom is four-fifths language based."

In Thompson's perspective, a boy takes a simple question of how his day went and thinks, "'If I answer, could I be made to look weak? I want to be a strong boy and young man.'" His answer, Thompson said, will attempt to prove that he is so.

He cited a PBS documentary in which four month old infants were brought into a room with their mothers. The mothers played with their babies and then suddenly turned away and back again with a face with no expression. This was very upsetting to the children. They couldn't stand that they lost their mother's smiling face.

Its findings were interesting. Girls were able to calm themselves, but boys just got angrier and angrier. 

"This kind of anger or aggression in boys becomes scary to some parents," Thompson said. "We need to help them master these feelings. Adults tend to interfere with boy play because of fear [that someone will get hurt]."

From a show of hands in the audience, the older generation of parents typically let their children play four to six hours at a time away from them. When asked how many of today's parents let their children play away from them for the same period of time, less than 20 percent of the people raised their hands.

There is also a need for more physical activity or recess in the schools, specifically for boys, Thompson said. This can be difficult, he said, when state academic mandates get in the way.

The general message was clear: Parents and teachers should try not to interfere too much with free play. Children need to learn to negotiate with each other and work things out on their own, and that includes wrestling and other physical activities. But free play, he said, does not include organized sports where the average child spends approximately two hours a day in a car being shuffled from one place to another.

To Thompson, it's good, old fashioned, independent and unorganized active free play with friends that children—especially boys—need most.